When someone you love hurts you deeply what would you do? Is it right to hurt him or her too?
In this post, let me share what I have learned on things like how to overcome hurt feelings in a relationship and how not to get hurt anymore even if you are having a “shaky” love affair.
Girls are you ready?
Recently, I went to Google and searched terms like “being hurt in a relationship quotes” just to know some golden words that may help to handle complicated relationships and to know how many people are talking about that kind of stuff in love and relationship niche.
Being a blogger, I have to do some information gathering so that I may have an input. Though my blog is all about personal development, I believe that this topic is relevant because knowledge alone can make you a strong person.
Aside from that, like many of you, I was once also a survivor of a relationship tragedy. My first marriage failed due to some unavoidable circumstances as an OFW (I know OFWs out there get exactly what I mean), which for me, something that really helped me grow. I may share the whole story on a separate page soon.
What I’m trying to say is, there was a time in my life when I became a victim of a love affair that was built around the foundation of dishonesty and it must not prosper. During those days, I knew that something wrong is about to happen and I want to protect myself from whatever emotional pain that I was heading into.
What I did was, I read books about love and relationship advice, personal development, and spirituality just to know how to deal with hurt feelings in a relationship when it comes. With that, I understand something deep about emotional pain.
The information I’m going to share here is vital that every human being who falls in love, I believe, should know. Without knowing this thing, especially for millions of wives around the world, how to get over hurt feelings from husband when they cheat, for instance, is not at all easy. Even on unmarried couples – between boyfriend and girlfriend, the same thing happens when emotion clashes.
If you are someone in pain due to your previous or current relationship. Read this article from top to bottom and you will be enlightened. You will know exactly what to do not to get hurt again no matter what the situation is. This might be too deep to comprehend but it’s worth a try.
So let’s begin…
Why we get hurt? What makes that emotional pain trigger somewhere within our heart that makes us suffer? Why can’t we just throw that pain away and be free?
Based on the experience of many, the only thing that makes someone hurt is when something undesirable happens. That’s the very basic scenario. If unexpectedly you saw your boyfriend or husband with a gorgeous lady in a shopping mall, it hurts. When somebody you love is lying to you, it hurts.
For many married couples, infidelity or being unfaithful is one of the most destructive elements that could put an end to a relationship. This is where most women get hurt.
To move a bit further, we have to take a look at the reasons why someone gets hurt outside the context of a relationship. In our daily lives, emotional pain occurs with a bunch of unexpected reasons, which keeps us in trouble being the “actor” if we are not that quick to protect ourselves.
The following are some of the common reasons why a person gets hurt:
- When humiliated or ridiculed
- When frustrated
- When losing some material possessions unexpectedly
- When losing someone being loved
- When abused from known rights
- When maltreated
- When “expected things” don’t come or happen
- When fired with painful words like in a heated conversation
And the list goes on…
If you noticed, if you are the victim of that said emotional pain, what have been listed above are just things that are against your “SELF.” In other words, emotional pain is just a result of something happened identified by your mind that cannot be accepted by your inner-self. In short, being hurt is just a result of your love of yourself that was not satisfied.
Now let’s go back to relationship matters…
When you say you loved someone, are you really in love? Do you know the real meaning of love? If you love someone because you need him and it hurts when you lose him, you are not in love. You are just using that “precious word” to conceal your selfish motive of satisfying yourself for the purpose of survival. Yes, it is.
In the context of love and relationship, many lovers claimed that they are really in love but they don’t know exactly what it means. They thought that love is a mutual thing, which should be shared fairly based on rules. If not, it’s a big trouble.
For many married couples, there are endless possibilities to arrive in an argument and misunderstanding, which may lead to deterioration of affection. When it happens, one must be hurt. The only exception is when you know how to deal with hurt feelings in a relationship by getting deeper into the meaning of LOVE.
So what is the real meaning of love?
Love is everything that encompasses all the good things to prosper in this universe. It is the most subtle, silent, calm and gentle form of energy that fuels all forms of life on earth to prosper. Love is the ultimate force of life. The most wonderful thing about love is that it originates in a human heart as a creation that comes from the atmosphere of pure love. Yes, we are all creations of LOVE.
Don’t worry, we’re not going to be too religious here (only slightly). But to understand love deeply, we have to go beyond our ordinary understanding about things that have been said, which for some reasons, mislead us all and made us ignorant, the reason why we suffered.
The true meaning of the word LOVE is defined in one of the unknown universal laws called “The Law of the Divine Oneness,” which says, “we are all connected as one” and there is no separation among all of us.
For life to exist and prosper, we must recognize the said “oneness” rather than “selfishness” and we must give love to others to make them happy being part of the one “gigantic being” called Universe. If all human beings do the same, life is wonderful and no one will cry as everybody is caring each other.
Love is the force that binds us all together. It is the sense of oneness and unity among all creations and it should be given away to the one you love, not for yourself. The direction of love is from your heart towards others, not the other way around.
Regardless of conditions, rules, norms, and beliefs, a person who loves someone must only act as a source or a giver of anything that makes someone happy, not a taker. And you will only have it when someone gives it to you in return freely and not by force. If love reigns, no one is harmed or hurt.
In a relationship, your role is only to give love, not to need it. The problem with many lovers is that they love their partner and they demanded love in return, when not granted, they’re hurt. Whether your partner is cheating or not, as long as you are hurt, at some point in your life you are not giving true love.
Being hurt, regardless of reasons, is just an act of selfishness. True love is not selfish as it sees not the self but others outside the self. If you love truly (unconditional love) you will never be hurt. To understand this, we have to go deeper into the opposite of love.
What is the Opposite of Love?
The opposite of love is not hatred or anger. Some books say that it is fear. But in the context of love and relationship, it is the EGO.
Ego is the consciousness of being alone in this universe. If love is oneness and unity among all, ego is the sense of disunity and individualism. Being alone – with no sense of companionship, connection, link, unity or whatever you may call it, we live in fear.
Imagine being alone in the midst of darkness, you must be afraid; not because of the dark but because you are alone. And that is a human basic instinct today. We all live in fear due to the poison of EGO in our consciousness – the only reason why we get hurt.
Ego emanated from guilt, which also emanated from the belief that human beings are sinners or somebody separated from God (now we’re getting a bit religious here). That is how the Christian faith controls the mind of every living human being, which leads to ignorance and fear.
With fear, we tried to live in our own ways, trying to survive in our daily lives believing that no one will help us. Our basic instinct is survival and if our chance for survival is threatened or thwarted, we are hurt.
Behind the feeling of being hurt, lies a fear. It is the fear of being unable to survive. That is why, when someone you love cheats on you, it hurts because behind your conscious mind, you are afraid that you might lose him and you don’t want to be alone, and remember, survival is hard being alone.
If you noticed, it is not about him or her; it is about you being unsure for survival, which makes you suffer that emotional pain. The same thing when you look at the reasons why a person gets hurt listed above (when you are downed, abused, frustrated, ridiculed and etc.).
Selfishness arises as a way to preserve the self as a call of an ego so that the self will survive. To protect the ego-dominated self, here comes hatred, anger and all negative emotions in someone’s heart to harm others and keep safe the self.
In an argument between a couple, ego is the center of consciousness and love is totally out of the context. In the absence of love, hate or anger comes in, which is an energy that only aims for the destruction of others to preserve the self. If you hate your partner, all you want is to hurt him or her. You may say painful words or you may do some destructive actions to be sure that you’ll be free from harm physically or emotionally. And that is survival.
Any form of argument, misunderstanding or disputes between human beings or between lovers is an act of preserving the self for the purpose of self-survival at the expense of others. This is the reason why a person may kill someone.
Here’s the exciting part of this discussion:
The idea of being hurt is a burden of our soul – our true-self. It occurs when negative emotions (anger, hatred, envy, jealousy and etc.) conquer the heart. Remember, originally, the energy that resides in our heart is only LOVE, it is the true nature of our soul and that is who we are.
When energy that is exactly opposite to its nature is with him (I’m referring to the soul) in his house (the human heart,) it creates a chaos. LOVE and EGO cannot stay together in one place. One must win and the other must be defeated. The problem with humanity today is that, we are all conquered by our ego due to our ignorance and due to the false teachings of the church.
All negative emotions are “poisons” to our unconscious soul that causes the discomfort in a form of emotional pain. Every time we are hurt, our soul is in trouble, which appears as sadness or being unhappy on the outside. Happiness occurs when our soul is able to fulfill its role when he’s able to give love unto others that makes someone happy regardless of the condition.
Now, if you are in a relationship, do you think you are really in love? If you are hurt, I guess not.
Here’s How to Deal with Hurt Feelings in a Relationship
With all the things being said, the following are best suggestions how to protect your “self” from being hurt again whether in a relationship or not. If you can apply this in your life, your soul will be free from the imprisonment of your ego and happiness will be yours forever.
1. Forget Yourself
The idea that you have to love yourself alone because no one else does is a wrong thought from an ego-dominated consciousness. If you care so much about yourself above everything, you must be hurt. You cannot control things to happen; as much as the choices of other people including the one you love.
If they’re doing something hostile to you (that is good for them) that’s beyond your control. If you can’t accept it, you must be in pain. To protect yourself, forget yourself and never claim something for your own good. Instead, care for something that makes someone happy. Remember, the only thing that hurts you is your ego – your false self, who lives for survival.
If someone cheats on you, leaves you or abuses you, know that you are love who is willing to give everything for the good of others. Let them do it by forgetting yourself. Don’t claim any right. Kill your pride, don’t demand and never want something for your favor. In this way, there is no reason for you to be hurt.
2. Maintain no Attachment
One of the secrets on how to deal with hurt feelings in a relationship is to simply cut your attachment to anything that caused you pain. This is also called “letting someone or something go.”
If your partner cheats on you, a fear of losing him caused you pain. To protect your “self,” simply maintain no attachment to everything that you’ve shared that makes you happy. Set him free and free yourself from the experiences and memories being with him.
This idea may appear to be contradictory to the said “Law of the Divine Oneness” if misunderstood that says, “We are all connected as one. What we are referring to here, is an attachment to something or someone in the realm of ego, which only seeks for the benefit of the self.
Maintaining no attachment is living at present moment, letting go of the past and stop worrying about the future. This is very effective way of protecting yourself from emotional pain because the ego cannot be identified by the mind in the now. Ego can’t exist at present moment.
This is quite common among all but sometimes misunderstood. Many have said that, if someone hurts you, just forgive, forget and move on. In this sense, forgiving is not about forgetting. It is about healing the whole thing so that everything will turn out fine. To forgive is not healing the dispute that occurs on the outside, it is freeing your soul from the stains of negative emotions in your heart.
4. Be like Water
The idea of protecting yourself from being hurt in a relationship by being like water has a deep meaning. As you know, water stays low always. It does not seek to be on top just like trees and towers. It symbolizes calmness, gentleness, firmness and above all humility.
If you act like water, you refuse to be in an argument and you find no reasons to get hurt. Being like water means consideration to others, respect to other’s opinion and anything that forgets the self but gives value to others.
5. Fulfill Your Life’s Purpose
This may appear to be irrelevant if misunderstood. But if you know that you have a purpose higher than what you do – to possess anything you want, to control the life of other people you love and let all your selfish desires be done – you will see no reason to be hurt in this lowest level of human existence. Your purpose is to give meaning to your life by making other people happy through your good thoughts and deeds beyond the control of your ego.
6. Let Love Rules
With all the things being said, still, the only way how to deal with hurt feelings in a relationship if that is a common place where many get hurt, is to let love rules.
Letting love rules is not a difficult thing to do. There is no struggle on it because that is our true nature. Just follow the will of your heart unstained by your ego and see the importance of being good to others and you will find the true happiness by making other people happy.
Can you deal with hurt feelings in a relationship by just simply giving true love? Always remember, love is not about you… it is about someone you love…
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